Praise God!!!  I get to work at Canyonview Camp this summer.  I have never had the oppurtunity to work at camp before, but I know this will be fun and if anything challenging.  I have had an interesting week but nothing crazy.  I started singing in the church choir.  Most of my time has been spent working on papers for Shakespeare and Philosophy both independent study classes.  I am in dire need of motivation.  Well I did have a couple nightmares about not graduating- those have motivated me so far.  Neil has not been feeling very well lately, but we continue to pray.  He hasn't gotten to the point of not being able to work, which is a blessing.  Any way, just keeping updating with the little bit of news at a time.  Someday I wish I could add more.  I haven't done a special entry in forever, but that's just cause I am young and in love (in other words we will just blame Neil, it will be our little secret shhhhhh!)       

It was such a crazy weekend.  I have never worked with a youth group before.  I was invited to be a responsible adult and help with Bethel's youth group's beach trip.  There were seven insanely loud girls and one lone boy.  I have always been scared of youth even when I was one.  I pretty much hated high school.  So working with youth was a whole new challenge.  Neil has been working with them for years.  He encouraged me.  I am glad I put away my selfishness to see if I could help out.  Even if I never bonded closely with the girls I did learn who they were and that will help has I become part of the church.  It was also a chance to just be an example of the Christian life to these girls. 

It was a wet weekend.  The coast was pretty much raining the whole time except when it started getting dark.  We went to the outlet mall.  I bought some books from the Goodwill.  I don't think I stopped eating till today.  I had fun despite the lack of sleep and the time change. 

Hopes and Dreams in Stars and Clouds

by Larissa Martinson

     We look at the skies.  The clouds take on different shapes.  We begin to dream.  We begin to muse on our future, on our life, on our dreams.  Children see various animals attacking the sky, a train puffing on imaginary tracks, and faces of recognition.  Adults will sometimes admit they see the same.  The poet or the writer sees the skies, the stars, the clouds, the sun, and the moon.  They become the symbols to of our hopes.  In her book The House on Mango Street, Sandra Cisneros weaves the themes of the sky into her words as symbols.  Our hopes and dreams are in the stars and clouds because many of us feel they are too high to attain.  They are too great. 

            Significantly, Cisneros’ main character’s name, Esperanza, means hope in English.  This emphasizes the message.  The message of dreams and hopes being connected to the skies specifically stars and clouds.  There are various characters who look to the sky, but Esperanza recognizes what they are all truly looking for.  They are looking for a home.  They need a way to make their dreams turn to reality, dreams of a real home.  The home is not only physical but a symbolic place of belonging.        

The most poignant section, which points towards the children specifically recognizing the possibility of a better life, is Darius and the Clouds.  The setting is the schoolyard.  “You can never get too much sky” (33) this section begins.  You can never have too many dreams because “sky can keep you safe when you are sad.”  You can never have too much knowledge.  This is what the message seems to be.  Darius is the least likely messenger.  He is the stupid boy in school.  He sees a cloud.  He says it is God.  It was simple.  These children saw God in the clouds.  God was too high to reach.  To them, knowing God was just a dream. 

Many people today see God has impersonal, but we also make Him complicated.  At least Darius still had the faith of a child to see God.  He could see what many people can’t.  God is there when we look even if we think it just a dream. 

Esperanza’s friends and her sister Nenny notice the cumulus clouds overhead.  They discuss them scientifically calling them by name then comparing them to more well known things.  The clouds that look like combed hair, big fields of sheep, and your face indented after sleeping with our clothes on.  Cisneros writes names in between the conversation about clouds.  These are presumably names of peers from school and neighborhood friends.  The friends speak in parallel.  The comparison of the clouds to those on their street, it makes a rhythm of going up and down.  It goes from reality to the dreams- back and forth.  This section makes the girls’ dreams nearly attainable by comparing the clouds to recognizable things.        

Cisneros takes the image of a falling star and places it in comparison to lives that are falling from their dreams.  They have potential, but it is not recognized.  Esperanza sees them as likeable and does not blame them for their situation in life. 

  Marin, a character with little hope for a better life, she is another pitiful Chicano.  She is ultimately lonely and does not have any hope.  Her one goal is to find a job in town for the possibility of marriage to a rich man though she claims to have a boyfriend in Puerto Rico.  Esperanza likes her because Marin awakes her innocence about boys.  At the end of the passage about Marin she is “waiting for a star to fall” (27).         

Angel Vargas falling from the sky like a falling star.  No one was watching.  No one noticed.  His name is Angel.  He can also be compared to a fallen angel.  The family Vargas stopped caring.  They let the neighborhood raise them.  Then the neighborhood stopped caring and let one fall.  He fell physically.  He has the potential to fall away from his uncaring family and neighborhood.  This falling is painful lesson for all to learn.

It is interesting to notice that there are two future telling moments Cisneros writes about.  Future is predicted by using the stars and planets recognized as astrology.  Esperanza wants to believe and some how reach the dreams that are in the sky.  This is why she goes to Elenita.  She wants to see the dreams become real- if they can be real.  Right before this section Cisneros’ calls Elenita, Cards, Palm, Water, Esperanza’s aunt as just died.  “The sky didn’t look the day she fell down (59).”  Does the sky pay attention to Esperanza?  Will the sky be unkind to my own dreams?  Esperanza began to dream the dreams no matter how painful the reality may turn out to be.  Elenita tells Esperanza she will have a home in the heart, which does not make complete sense.  She is told to come back on Thursday when the “stars are stronger.”  Esperanza’s dreams are not strong enough. 

“People who live on hills sleep so close to the stars they forget those of us who live too much on earth (86).”  This is a wonderful example of people who have reached their own dreams.  Esperanza can not feel joy for them.  They have forgotten those stuck too close to reality.  Those who live so close to the stars don’t even bother to help others reach them.  Esperanza will not be pitied.  Her dreams will come true and she will help others reach theirs.  She will let bums live in her attic.  The attic is the highest point in the house.  It will boost them toward the dreams even a bum must have.           

            Lastly, Cisneros does mention people looking at the sky such as Ruthie and the trees biting the sky.  These are just a couple more instances of the search for dreams.  If the trees are symbols of Esperanza and her friends naturally their branches are reaching for their dreams.  They want a piece to bite from their own pie.  Ruthie, the grown up child, is a distracted dreamer.  Her dreams completely ignore the reality.  Cisneros looks for a balance. 

            In the end, dreams and hopes are so far above us yet they can be reached.  The sky touches the horizon.  The star does not always have to fall.  God is not far away.  Esperanza caught her dreams in the sky and took others with her. 

Just a quick one while I am suppose to be writing a paper.  I am a little tired of school.  I know it is because I met a wonderful man who I am near positive I want to marry.  Much of my time and energy is spent preparing myself for this future when I know school is also important.  I have never NOT been in school so it would a huge change and challenge that I am very willing to do, but anxious too.

This last weekend the college group went to the coast in Lincoln City.  It was fun.  We played games, fly kites, shared what God has been doing in our lives, and veggied out with movies.  Neil and I shared a "very" intimate moment cleaning up poor Brian's sickness.  Sunday was a bit of a blur. 

The ocean waves crashed to shore as the whole world seemed to stop for me.  Neil and I walked hand in hand, loving God's creation.  We get our feet wet and sandy.  The sun is bright the wind whips my hair.  I don't want it to end but it does.  It is getting late.  We talk once in awhile.  I have to go the bathroom- horribly.  So we stop in a restroom that could rival some highschool bathrooms.  The words "Bush is wrong for America" has been scratched in the wall in big block letters.  I am holding my breathe but giggle on the inside because people are so weird.  The rest stop is at place where Canadian geese congregate.  Neil shows me a beautiful swan in the distance.  Pure whie...beautiful sight. 

God is our ultimate and final authority.  We are His servants.  We live to glorify Him.  Are you willing to drop everything for the ministry He has called you to serve?  My life has been a struggle of the wills.  The human will....the sinful will...the will to live my own life, my own way.  I want to be able to see the needs of others and drop everything to serve if I have the ability to do so. 

Recently I had a killer headache.  I was not able to concintrate.  God led me to fall on my knees, praying for healing.  He didn't heal me instantly, but I decided I should go to chapel at school because I haven't been in awhile.  It was prayer chapel.  Even through that I was at peace.  I let my spirit speak to God.  Megan and I prayed together about serving God, keeping our relationships pure, and finding jobs.  It was beautiful communication with our Father. 

God followed me through the day as I searched for mythological allusions in poetry, short stories, and movies.  Does O, Brother Where Art Thou? count?  Any way, it was a fruitless pursuit overal.

Rob was very worried for a friend.  It was a needless worry, nonetheless he worried.  Poor guy....We had a good lunch together.  Adam and Rob trying to rhyme the word "spoon" to has many things as possible.  "Eat apple sauce with a spoon, you can eat it on the moon while holding a balloon and acting like a bafoon." 

In Stinky Bagels I wrote some poems.

Ink Dreams

My lungs fill.  My breathing drops near sleep.
Sleep when captured this is where the ink of night
Like a pen enters my dreams forming letters.
Letters become words
Words become stories
Stories become my life- my dream
My dreams in ink
The ones I loose when I awake
Like catching mist, one drop at
A time to completely fill the bucket.
The bucket bigger than a barrel
It is too big for me.
In the dream I fill the bucket
But I am not free
My hands are not creating
It is my subconscience creating for me.
My feet are not pacing for ideas.
It is not the real me.
My lungs fill with waking breath.
Where are those stories in the golden light?
Can Dawn's rosy-fingers guide me on?

Invitation

Come to this altar-
Drop your work
Your hands are swollen, blistered, red
Come-He is kind
He is acquainted with grief
He created the morning dew
Please, come to this altar.
The Son calls your name
To rest in the cross
To give Him your pain
The lake of Galilee
Where He walked- do you see Him? 

Once I got home I was tired but could not sleep.  I was bored but could not get myself to do anything.  It would not be long till my boyfriend would come.  Neil and I made some frosting for our friend's birthday cake.  We made a mess.  We had a blast.  Sugar and butter spun through the air.  We smiled at each other.  We shared in the mess.  Time was loosing itself.  We hurried off to AWANA.  God was there.  Smiling and laughing at us.  He can't wait for the day when we get to be with Him in a combined earth and heaven. 

AWANA was amazingly fun.  My girls Angie, Tori, Jessica, and Madalyn were under my care tonight.  Angie is fast with her verses but I pray for her seeking the truth.  Tori is cute but prone to tantrums.  She stole my ribbon.  We discuss our problems and work out a solution.  Jessica hasn't been coming for a long time.  We were alone together last week, but this week I have too many girls to spend much one on one time with them.  She forgot her book this week.  She is in her Skipper book but is learning quickly.  She passed 11 sections the week before.  She drew me a picture.  Madalyn is new.  She hears about the Wordless Book from another teacher.  I don't get to talk to her.  I silently lift up a prayer for her to return next week so I can talk to her.  She smiles.  Her bright blues eyes look at me and she replies that she wants to come next week if her mom says yes.  I praise God.  Angie giggles in the corner.  "Are you dating Neil?"  "Yes," I reply with a huge smile on my own face.  She continues to giggle and fall to the floor.  Tori attempts to sit on the table.  I remove her.  The bell rings all too quickly.  It is game time. 

Please sign this birthday card for Chris.  I get lots of signatures and notes to our friend.  We meet every Wednesday to discuss The Purpose Driven Life.  Tonight it is about services.  I pray I will always be serving God.   

From Minority Authors Class:

Caleb Crossman’s Family Story

Later that same day, he was in town going to a record store.  There was a guy standing in front of the window of the record store, a big black man.  When my dad came up, the other guy said, "I could have been as big as Elvis," and walked away.

Then my dad was driving his '69 VW beetle, when a pickup truck lost its load in front of him.  My dad got out to help the guy put the wood back in the bed of the truck, and asked the guy where he was from.  "Where we're all from," the guy said.  "Mother."

Myth- High Grass In Misty Morning

High Grass was canoeing down Sister River on a misty morning to fish for the tribe. Sister River led him down to Ocean. He had never been led this far by Sister River before. He thought it must be a sign so he made a sacrifice on the shores. High Grass chanted and danced with all his might round and round the fire. He fell into a trance. He saw a great black blanket floating across Ocean. It caught on fire by a strike of lightening. Out of the lightening came a giant with four arms and two heads. It told High Grass of the great powers he could receive and how he could become chief of his tribe. High Grass suddenly became aware of Sun and Sky. He knew it was time to return to his tribe. He gathered up the many fish he caught and prepared for the long journey home. High Grass stopped under a tree to rest. This tree was not just any tree but a tree filled with fruit. The fruit fell on High Grass while he slept. It woke him. The tree began to speak. It told him of the Great Beginning and how he had come from Mother. He was destined to be great. The tree told him to pick up the fruit and take it to his tribe. High Grass collected the fruit. With his canoe filled with many things to provide for the tribe he knew he would be praised.

WRESTLER

            In the middle of a clear blue sea where the sun shines bright there is an island.  On the map it is not much bigger than a grain of rice.  Mauritius, it is called.  It is not my motherland but it was the home of my mother.  Demons fight for the souls, alcohol in constant abuse, but it is a child’s tropical playground.  At the age of eight, Jocelyn would have to face something she had never faced before. 

            Five o’clock in the morning, the dogs bark wildly.  The men are dragging themselves home from hunting the deer the Dutch had brought to the island many years ago.  My grandpa, Jocelyn’s father, stumbled through the gate while his dogs try to keep up.  Weary, bedraggled, the party stomps through the mud.  Absentminded or just in his sleepy stupor Luc shuts the gate while a few dogs are still on the outside.  Wrestler, the favorite hunting dog, in his overconfidence and dog-like manner attempted to jump the fence.  There was a final yelp.  All was confusion.  The dog had been speared straight through.  It was an obvious gruesome death.  My mother was shielded from the sight.  Anger and frustration fills the air and suffocates the tension already present among the family.  They buried the dog that same day.  My aunt made a cross in memory.  It was the only time my mom saw her dad cry. 

            We wrestle with life and death.  We wrestle with pain and confusion even joy and laugher.  That day my mom and her family of four sisters and one brother wrestled against Wrestler, and they would continue wrestling for a long time to come.       

Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Larissa's Year in Review

No year can go by without surprises, blessings, changes, and even some sadness.  This year took me on the ride of my life.  God gave me all that I needed- no more and no less. 

January- Larissa the Brave
I was tempted to lable this one Larissa the Stubborn, but I think I was more logical and brave.  I moved from Salem to Turner, Oregon.  It was brave to start my life and the year with a completely new roommate. 

February- Larissa the Crazy
The classes I took were General Psychology, British Literature, Badminton, Nature and Structure of the English Language, History of Philosophy, and Logic.  It was a crazy month, like all February months seem to be.  I observed Lent for the first time.  I decided not to listen to secular music, but became very interested in "Baby Got Book" and the German Disco of Dschingis Khan especially "Moskau".  I continued to work at Party Mart at about 15 hours a week.  Valentine's Day was extremely stressful.  My friends continue to play endless hours or seem to talk for endless hours about World of Warcraft. 

March- Larissa the "Spiritual"
The highlight of this month was getting "slain in the spirit".  I visited Boone Road Church of God.  It was a busy month of school and work. 

April- Larissa the Complicated
I went on a date with Shawn Fleming and in turn basically rejected other friends.  It was complicated with restructuring friendships when I hadn't dated anyone in almost a year.  We almost decided to start dating, but I broke it off during the summer before it got serious.  The highlights included seeing the school put on A Midsummer Night's Dream and watching Shawn umpire baseball. 

May- Larissa the Frustrated
My feelings were frustrated after meeting Thomas Pieracci and breaking up with Shawn.  Nontheless I participated with great joy in Chad and Amanda's wedding.  I had fun hanging out with friends- new and old. 

June- Larissa the Sleep Deprived
Summer came in with a lot of work at Party Mart becoming more demanding and laziness setting in.  I didn't sleep much because work was stressful and I thought about my future a lot.  Amanda and I baked cookies.  I learned how to play Diablo II.  Once Ben and I played till about 4 o'clock in the morning.   

July- Larissa the Fan
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince came out- enough said. 

August- Larissa the Gentle
Spent a great deal of time at Starbucks drinking coffee and reading.  It was a time of gentle passing till school was to start.  The highlight was going to Silver Falls especially on hot days.   

September- Larissa the Socializer
This school year started off with amazing changes.  My classes included Teaching the Bible, History of Modern Europe, American Literature of the 19th Century, C.S. Lewis, Literature of the Middle Ages, Middle European Literature, and Moreland Readings (philosophy credits).  I quit my job at Party Mart after 2 years of faithful service.  So I went back to serving the church and getting right with God.  I got invovled in AWANA again, women's Bible Study, Sunday school, and Dove Fellowship.  I met a lot of fun freshmen and transfer students on retreat.     

October- Larissa the Amused
I spent this month pretty much hanging out and sometimes doing school work.  It felt like being a freshman again.  Farrar was the place to be.  I went to the Barn Party and square danced with Rob T. and Jake Bullock.  Spent this month just loving people- being with people- meeting new people- and being myself.     

November- Larissa the Humbled
This is when I got into a car accident.  The day it happened I told my friend Neil how hard it was to find me on a bad day, it was less than an hour later my car was totalled in an accident less than a mile away from Bethel Baptist Church.  I was heading straight on Aumsville Hwy. toward Western Baptist College.  A young woman failed to yield to me and turned left directly in front of me.  I had no time to stop.  I had minor bruises and kneck injuries.  It was a horrible accident and it was my first one in which I was the driver.  Later on that same week I was stretched by God even further to rearrange my schedule to continue to be involved in the school play The Firstborn as well as trying to take midterms and arrange rides.  My friends were extremely supportive and I was truly humbled.  God took my ideas of independence and future plans and said, "No, I have even greater plans for you my child."  But even through all these struggles the one thing that I enjoyed even more than being a part of the school play was seeing Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  I dressed up as Moaning Myrtle.  I only regret I have no photos.    

December- Larissa the Cheerful
So to close out the year I turned 23.  It was a good to get finals done and enjoy the holidays.  Neil and I sold his woodworking at the Eugene Holiday Market.  We spent hours talking and laughing over the break.  Technically I met him two years ago at Bethel Baptist the first year I helped out in AWANA, but I never attended the after group until this year.  Both of us struggled with two very seperate issues this year, but God brought us together in mutual respect and friendship then into great affection for each other.  We decided it would be best for both of us to wait till the new year to start dating.  God has given each of us a gift in the relationship.  It couldn't make a girl more happy to know she is in the will of God as well as a man returning her affections. 

Lessons I Learned in 2005:
1.  God's timing is perfect no matter what!  "Be anxious for nothing!"
2.  Don't let people's opinions and pressures affect the ultimate decision and God's plan.
3.  There MIGHT be such a thing as too much candy.
4.  Friendships are so much more important than we think. 
5.  God has taught me humility. 

Christmas is almost over.  I am going to curl up on the couch in a blanket, hug my squishy penguin, maybe pull out my chocolate ice cream, and fall asleep watching White Christmas again.  It was an interesting, very different Christmas spent with the Haner family.  I got to play Santa- a bit of a challenge with not knowing everyone's names, but it was fun.  Dogs barked at me. I ate a lot of dessert.  Now I am kinda pooped out.  I am still coughing. 

Reflections on spending the holidays away from home for the first time-
Some would say you usually appreciate your home even more when you are away during the holidays- that is fairly true.  I didn't buy presents for anyone this year.  I wanted to be the least stressed as possible so the whole goal was to sleep a lot, hang out a lot, and eat a lot.  I accomplished this quite nicely.  During Thanksgiving this year, I noticed from observing two other families that my own family has many more traditions then everyone else so I missed those a little.  Those funny traditions like singing the "Thanksgiving Song" and picking up cashews from Fred Meyer the day of Thanksgiving and watching the parade and playing Monopoly with my siblings, it was strange not to do any of those things.  I missed my magical mom/Santa who sneaks presents under the tree while I am sleeping in the same room.  I missed giving presents and making cards, but honestly I had very little energy for that this year even if I wanted to.  Oddly enough the thing I missed most was my holiday coco that my brother and I make on Christmas Eve under the candle light just talking to each other.  Neil (not to be confused with my brother) and Megan made the greatest efforts to really give me an enjoyable holiday season so to them I say thank you.  I spent Thanksgiving with Neil's family and Christmas with Megan's family.  All of who were gracious and hospitable maybe a bit on the quiet side at times, but still wonderful to see other families in celebration and appreciate my own family miles and miles away.  Since I never make plans any more I can't say for sure what the holiday season will hold for me next year, but hopefully without school cutting in to the enjoyment I will be more reverant and more spirited.  I was a tiny bit of a Scrooge this year without my car and no extra money for presents in the first place. 

Well I am off to do the curling up on the couch with the penguin (you guys need to help me with a name for him or her) and the sleeping and getting over my cough. 

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!